Two Sides of The Coin
I have been working on my online world for a solid 2 years with a full-time job knowing that someday I would transition to running my own business. I’m excited and nervous and proud of all I’ve been doing and the hard work has been meaningful, intentional and relentless. I’ve been working really hard on a steady and consistent basis. So hard my friends and relatives worry that maybe I’m doing too much. Especially since I’ve made no money to speak of and there is really no revenue stream in place. Looks like another consultant or life coach is being born.
I’m happy on so many levels, but my body is panicking apparently. I’m in constant pain and I am experiencing stress and anxiety on a level that I did not know was possible for me. I’m extremely low-key and stoic and not much phases me. I’m a worrier for friends and family, but I am even keel through and through.
The Perfect Storm?
My house was broken into 3 months ago and I woke to the intruder next to my bed. He did not know I was there until I jumped up and startled him and chased him out of my tiny little cottage. Nothing was stolen and I was not hurt, but I have not been able to sleep soundly since. My canary camera caught it on tape, but police never found him. It has affected me more than I thought was possible. I wake up several times a night certain someone is in my cottage. My friend gave me half of a pool cue that is solid and heavy. I sleep with this every night. Pathetic I know. This is not me. I’m too head-strong. I’m pissed.
I have always considered myself extremely strong-minded and thought I could handle most anything, but I’m thinking with the combination of fear and stress of working too hard on starting my business and maintaining a full-time job, my body is saying slow down, pal. And by slow down, I think it actually slammed on the brakes.
Time Will Heal?
I have been going to a therapist/chiropractor for 3 months to fix my back. She says I’m healing but I’m in pain everyday. You know what they say about pain and gain.
I am as healthy as a horse, yet I’m in constant discomfort because of my back. I eat healthy. I go to the gym, I walk every morning, I rid my bike. I started Yoga one month ago and go 3 times per week. I want to love it, but my Monkey Chatter is winning. I’m in super high stress mode when I try to relax in Yoga. Although, I do love Child Pose and that brings me some comfort (I mean how could it not).
I’ve never felt so close to losing my mind, yet I’m really positive and happy about the direction I’m headed in? Is this what crazy feels like? I’m baffled. I suppose it is moments like this that books and songs get written.
My life is simple. This level of stress and anxiety are not for me. I’m not worthy. Yet, I’m in pain both physically and mentally. I so want to enjoy the moment because I truly am proud, but this force is tugging me and I cannot understand why or quite how to stop it. I specialize in figuring things out. I’m not doing a good job with this one.
Sorry for the rant of despair as my problems do not compare to many others. I am just hoping the power of sharing purges some of this mental crud out. Breathing in Yoga tends to make me dizzy, so maybe words is the exhale I need.
I am relying on the power of positivity and I will push through. There is no other option. Every success story needs a ‘low-point’ or conflict moment to make their TedTalk go viral, so maybe this is how the universe is looking out for me. This is just ammo for my motivational speaking future. Hurry up universe, cause I’m over it. I don’t have time or patience to put up this crap, so move it along.
All part of the fun I suppose. #moveforward and thanks for listening.